Empathy practice – the 4 elements of empathy

Empathy in practice, requires 4 elements; presence, silent listening, understanding, and reflecting the needs language. When you listen to someone, who shares their experience with you, it is best to make sure you provide all 4 elements of empathy. These 4 elements are evolving, allowing the speaker to lead the conversation, while the listener develops their understanding and empathy.

The 4 elements of empathy are described here. Read them, and then have a conversation with a friend, family member, or a colleague, and try to practice these 4 elements.

If possible, work with to practice together – first one of you will be the speaker, while the other will practice listening empathetically, then switch roles. Lastly, have a conversation about the experience of practicing empathy.

A) Presence.
The first element of empathy is Presence. When someone shares something about their work or their personal life, the listener must be present: this means the speaker has your attention, your focus, your awareness. As a listener, being present means that you just listen to, but don’t think about or try to understand, what the speaker says. Let your senses absorb the information, pay attention to what your senses pick up.
If/when you notice that you are actively thinking –let go of your thoughts and shift your focus back to the speaker. Listen to the tone of the speaker’s voice / the rhythm of speech / space between the words / body language / facial expression. Take in information without labeling or  interpreting it. This will allow to tune into the speaker – because you  are not thinking, just being present. Silently be with your partner.

B) Silent empathy / silent listening.
The listener will listen in silence, while now thinking about what the speaker is saying, trying to understanding the situation. Try to notice what the speaker’s  feelings are. Understand the speaker’s thoughts, how the speaker is making sense out of it. Listen to the speaker’s needs as expressed by  their words.

C) Understanding.

The listener will repeat, out loud, what they hear the speaker saying.
The listener will not relay their thoughts about what is being said (don’t express/include your personal feelings).
Keep the focus on the speaker. You don’t have to agree with what the speaker says – but can you see it from the speaker’s perspective / the speaker’s internal frame of reference?
Listen to how the world is seen through the speaker’s eyes. Then repeat what you’ve heard, showing you see and understand the speaker’s perspective. The listener will demonstrate that they are listening to (hearing to the satisfaction of the speaker), and that they understand, what is being said. They don’t have to agree with what is being said, nor should they interject with their reactions and views.
Every now and again, the listener should say: ‘let me see if I understand you correctly’ / ‘let me see if this is what you are saying’.


D) Reflecting needs language.
Listen to the speaker’s needs – as you pay attention to the speaker’s body language, feelings, perceptions and thoughts – tie them back to their human basic needs (trust, safety, security, respect, etc.).

IF YOU ARE PRACTICING EMPATHY WITH SOMEONE – FOLLOW THE NEXT 2 STEPS:

1) Debrief.
The speaker and the listener will debrief for 2 minutes.
How easy/difficult did the empathizer find these 4 tasks?
How easy/difficult did the speaker find being empathized with during these 4 tasks?

2) Switch roles.
The speaker and the listener will switch roles and repeat the exercise – the speaker will now become the listener, and will practice the 4 elements of empathy.

Empathy is also an interpersonal communication system that elicits response from others, helps to determine priorities within relationships, and holds people together in social groups.

“Empathy is simply listening, holding space, withholding judgment, emotionally connecting, and communicating that incredibly healing message of you’re not alone.” Brené Brown